Many of us will never be faced with forgiving a murderer, but all of us are faced daily with the need to forgive our brothers, families, friends, co-seminarians, formators perhaps dozen of times in a single day. But why do we need to forgive? We need to forgive not only because this is what God is asking us to do. We need to forgive not only because it is an opportunity to be like Jesus to our wrongdoers. We need to forgive because this is what good for us. While anger or hatred could be our initial response to the wrongs done to us. It is not helping us reclaim our lost peace. We want to forgive not because we condone the wrongs done to us but we simply want to give peace to ourselves. The decision to forgive is an act of charity to our self. I remember Schell (1993) saying, “To refuse to forgive is to continue to hurt yourself. Victimized once, your luck of forgiveness keeps you stuck as a victim, holding on to a victims identity”. I am sure why we need to forgive. We need to forgive because we don’t want to live a disturbed, agitated and distressed life. We want to have fun and we want to enjoy our life.
Forgiveness is about the quality of our life. Whenever we ask the questions: “What if the person has no remorse for his trespasses? Is he really worthy of my forgiveness? What if the person does it again? Or what if he doesn’t change? ”Before we forgive, we again give our wrongdoers power over us. We allow them to influence us in the way of our life will evolve. Let us not forget that the choice is ours. We must put our self back in control. We must take charge in forgiving.
Many people are afraid to forgive because of their distorted idea of the meaning of forgiveness. Therefore forgiveness needs to be defended by clarifying some doubts, clearing some confusions and answering some questions. One night a friend of mine called me. He shared with me his resentment toward his best friend. The latter was so close to him. Prior to this, I already told him that I am writing a reflection about forgiveness and I shared with him some of my thoughts. Hence, it becomes easier for me to remind him of the things we have discussed. Though he gave his assent to my reflections, he asked me, “Am I not becoming dishonest with myself if I forgive while in fact I am very angry? His concern was that he might not be true to himself because it seems that when he forgives he is denying the fact that he is angry. I told him that actually the opposite is true. If things are OK there is no need for you to forgive, but since things are not OK you get angry and you need to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean you act as if the bad thing that happened did not really happen, or it is not as bad as it was. Forgiveness is one sincere action for it admits that evil has indeed been done. To forgive is to admit the hate that you felt that you are compelled to invoke the healing power of forgiveness. However you must not assume that your anger will forever be dissipated when you forgive. It is important to note that this is a gradual process. Forgiveness starts the healing process. To forgive is not unfair. Actually it gives fairness a break. The wrongs done to us hurt us. To refuse to forgive is to continue to hurt ourselves. If we won’t forgive we continue to become the victims of other’s foul action. We become their prey and they control us. But when we forgive we put ourselves back in control.
“We have to do it that way, there is no other we will survive”
